Here is something no one tells about: YOU.I am certain you now know how the narc. started the relationship charming, loving, full of energy to live for you, how they made you live the illusion, and you must have witnessed how fast that mask fell down, I am sure you know about the love bombing, the silent treatment, flying monkeys, gaslight, manipulation, mirroring, you are familiar with all those terms now, I know you now have finally got the last missing piece of the puzzle of abuse that you were desperately looking for all that time, havenu2019t you?Everyone here in Quora -myself included- just doesnu2019t get bored of detailing all this. For me, sometimes it is relieving to speak my heart out, to give advice and simple counseling out of my own experience, I feel good helping others with my answers, with each upvote I feel I had made a life of someone I donu2019t know even one bit better, or made them feel better for even a second, and it feels so good. Sometimes I write out of depression, boredom, or seeking some distraction from real life.Our similar puzzles that took too much time and effort seem to be figured out by now, donu2019t they? We finally knew what was wrong with our so called partners, we came to understand they were troubled persons with special traits for their disorder? We found it! Oh, how long that journey was! but actually the narc. piece was not the final one, there is that one final piece that we ignore, or see unnecessary to look for, that we claim the picture is now clear without noticing it is missing, this piece is YOU!Now, how about you?Where did all that leave you?What is the price you have paid for that experience?Go look in the mirror now and ask yourself:Who are you?Does this person in the mirror look recognizable?Or does he/she look odd to you?What happened to this face? These eyes?What happened to this smile?Who is that?For me, I almost canu2019t recognize him. Sometimes he appears scarred, scared, wounded, broken, helpless, lonely, sometimes even a miserable prisoner of his own thoughts and pain. Other times, he is free, liberated, accepting his faults, choices, and decisions that led him that way, willing to move on and live this new life he is now having.Sometimes the glow in his eyes is for the tears that easily make their way down his face, sometimes that glow is for the hope that make those smiles cover his face up.Sometimes guilt torments him, sometimes hope overwhelms his entire being.Sometimes flashbacks appear past his eyes and the same old conversations and situations keep replaying over and over, and he canu2019t make them stop. Other times he is busy and denying to live in the past and looking forward to the future.Something has changed forever! Definitely!The trauma caused by the narc relationship leaves us lost in the middle of no where, it feels like life has paused and time has stopped, and after the whatever step we took to end it, either no contact, break up, divorce, or whatever we finally chose to do to save whatu2019s left of ourselves, we feel we are no longer ourselves, we are no longer what we thought we were, we havenu2019t achieved what we fought bravely and honorably for, the project of our lives has failed, and now we have to just start over, as if it is as simple as a flip of a switch!Beside all the damage the narc. caused us in many apsects, we lost ourselves, we failed ourselves, we brought ourselves down to our knees, with our own free will, remember how too many times you chose to turn a desire down for them? How too many times you made yourself invisible, your needs unimportant, your wishes unapproved, and just accepted all this to get turned down? And by whom, BY YOU? Remember how countless times you chose them and their annoying unexplained behaviour over yourself? Remember how you chose to prioritize them over yourself? Remember how uncountable times words couldnu2019t find their way out of your mouth when they really needed to be said? How many times you held and supressed your anger when you had every reason to rage? How many times your heart ached? HOW MANY TIMES THAT SIMPLE WORD u201cWHY?u201d tortured you? Remember how many times you chose to be selfless? Remember how many times you felt neglected and ignored?Remember how much you struggled to feel just enough and to win tiny bits of appreciation and approval?That is the one thing we donu2019t talk about when we are discussing Narcissism. YOU, how you lost yourself, how you turned down everything, neglected and ignored yourself in the process, how much you allowed yourself to get drained of your own human basic needs as a partner, and where all that left you.Why did you have that relationship? What were your goals at the kick off? Didnu2019t you need a shoulder to lean on? Didnu2019t you need a heart to beat for you? A warm hug to assure you? Someone who see the whole world in you and through you? Someone to catch you up when you are down? Someone to have fun with? To hang out with? To take stupid selfies with? Someone to share those pictures with, and hang them on the walls of your home? Someone to have children with? A lifetime partner for a lifetime relationship? At times, didnu2019t you feel the need to burst your anger? To cry a river? To laugh your heart out? To have mindblowing sex? At times, didnu2019t you need to feel like the superhero of someoneu2019s story of life? Didnu2019t you need someone to be the superhero of your own story? Didnu2019t you need A HOME? A SHELTER?You were denied all this! And rather than that, you were struggling and fighting for a smile, a word of appreciation, a kiss, a sex session, till you became invisible and unrecognizable even to yourself! You ended up a begger! After giving up your own rich fortune of love and trust very willingly! And now this guy in the mirror is someone new you need to explore and establish a brand new relationship with, because the other one you used to see is no longer there!Now despite the fact that it was all the narc. dirty work, but you had your own very important role to get here, you donu2019t need to torture yourself anymore, and I am not emphasizing how guilty each one of us was to himself, in fact it is not important to determine whose fault that was anymore, you need no more answers or explanations, BUT it is a very fine line you need to draw, you need to see how did this happen, and how you allowed it to happen, and never ever repeat that mistake again!The damage done, it is terminal and irreversible, you lost a piece of your heart that is never coming back. That purity, innocence, white fragile, that unconditionally giving, loving, and trusting heart is no longer there, the piece you lost in this experience altered too much inside, and outside too! and you need to take your time and be patient before you start a new relationship, for if you couldn't heal properly, this lost piece will bring you the narc. ghost every now and then, it will be haunting you, making you question yourself at every step, and may probably block you and hold you captive, it can be like a curse. But either way, you are not the same person anymore.Heal, take time, gain self confidence and esteem, time and good will are going to give you that, be patient and always repeat this to the one the mirror : u201cYou are your superhero, your story is about you first, youu2019re your all time number one priority, you are the most important thing for yourself. In order to give, you have to be given! and being a partner in a relationship is not necessarily about having equal 50u201350 rights and duties, no the scale will not be that accurate most of the time, BUT DEFINITELY IT CAN NEVER BE 90u201310 rights, or 10u201390 duties!u201dRead it again! I am reading it again, for me, with you!Hope it helped.Mo.
